Behind My Hazel Eyes........

So it has taken me way to long to figure something out.... I like myself. Now that might sound weird to you and pretty arrogant, but a few of you will know what i mean as i ramble on......

I hated confrontation, I hated the feeling of someone mad at me (or the very thought of it) and I hated the fact that someone could hurt me. Or at least I used to..... It recently came to my attention that these things were really getting in the way of my life and the things i'm capable of accomplishing. I felt like i had to be in this shell where i was 'safe' and I could sheild myself there from things/people that directly or indirectly would hurt me. I was what everyone wanted me to be.... let me explain that further.... i was what each individual person wanted me to be, and i'm gonna tell ya...It was exausting and I'm over it. I'm over pretending someone didn't hurt me when they did (I can finally cry about things and not feel like a freak!), I'm over not playing my music cause I feel i'm exposing my darkest secrets to people. I'm also over keeping my mouth shut and holding back cause my fear of failure seems to seep through when i speak. After being told how i 'can't' do things, and fighting to be the person who gets the applause for so long, I'm letting go. This past year has been a radical emotional transfermation for me, and i'm so glad to feel like I can be myself and if people don't like me I don't care. If people don't like my career goals, I don't care. If people don't like the color of my hair (my whole family this is for you) I don't care, and if you hate my style or music.... i could care less. Its so hard to say to myself "I care about you, but i don't give a sh*t what you think" when someone close to me attacks my integrity, the way i'm living my life or something/someone that means a lot to me. But by these people attacking every little part of me has proven to me how much I have not let it effect my life and passions anymore. I have heard everything from what colors i should and should not get for my new car, to the fact that I shouldn't date a certain person cause they'll be 'poor' their whole life. You can't love your life if you don't love the decisions you make, and by letting other peoples decisions cloud your judgement I don't feel you can ever be truly happy. I'm so happy about the direction and complete turn around my life has taken, and i'm so excited that I can move everything in MY direction of life now.... not just bits and pieces of me.

I'm no longer afraid to fail or letting people down.... cause when i do i get right back up and try again. It makes me grow, and doesn't hold me back. I love the quote "life doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet". I waited way to long to know how it feels to be grounded and on my own two feet. You might fail at something... over and over and over again and you might always fail at it for the rest of your life.... but the satisfaction of trying and failing feels so amazing campared to wondering how it could have worked out, or how it would be different if only you had tried. Life is way too short to feel that you let a goal, job, dreams and even love slip by..... regret never dies. Think about that......

I cleaned to my little OCD hearts content today. I think I'm crazy some days...like maybe a 12 step program is in order at this point. I get started and I can't stop. I love organizing as if it were some addicting drug. I love the finished product. A shallow woman hugged me in Big Lots today as if she knew me. Why does this always happen to me? This is what sparked my cleaning rage and I do mean rage. My step-dad came home and at this point i had a tooth brush scrubing the grout on the counters and I had pumpkin and vanilla candles lit everywhere so it smelled AMAZING, so he goes "Wow! I like it when you have bad days." Oh and I totally got out all the fallish decor for our house and put it up. Needless to say the mama likes when i have a bad day too, lol. I think I'll tackle my sisters closets tomorrow it looks like Justice and limited too threw up on the floor in them so I'll obsessivly organize and itll look like that again by friday! ahhhhhh speaking of children I need to go get these monkeys settled into bed with some Nghtmare Before Christmas before my fabulous WORLD'S BEST PARENTS get home....I should get some sorta housewife award...oh wait I'm not a housewife!!!!

Well..here I am AGAIN...maybe I'll actually stick to this one...I hope! I have revamped this alittle, it's more cute and cheery less dark and depressing.

I love fall, it has to be one of my favorite times...leaves changing, uggs and sweater weather is fast approaching and best of all Disneyland in the fall. MMMMMMM it even smells all pumpkiny and warm! ohhhh and the Haunted Mansion is all decorated with Nightmare Before Christmas..which is my absolute favorite movie EVER. My bestie and I have all these little Disneyland traditions, we always go on the Pirates of the Carribean ride first, always eat and the same spot and so on but i think my favorite thing we do is at the end of the day we get our hot chocolate in the cool cup and jump on the train. We ride it about 3 times around and just talk tell the chocolates done. Its a warm feeling, even thou its freezing. I think I have my mom convinced on getting Disney passes with all my family spirt rants lol. I'm not huge on family but sometimes I wish I had a stronger more traditional family...you know like the non white trash families on Wife Swap. Where lots of family gets together on Christmas or something like that. Ew and leave my step-dads mother, father and sister out of it! I mean ew ew ew look what the trailor dragged in. BLAH!

SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Funny but can be serious. Concerned and detailed. Loyal and always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and EXTREMLY SMART. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic. sexy but has brains.




and NO i didnt write this about myself!!!!

"Think of us as your soar trunmphantly through the sky, outshining any star, your silhouette a dark blot breaking the perfect circle of the moon...We who are left behind here will surely be thinking of you."
- The Mayor after Jack crashes in The Nightmare Before Christmas

that's why i love that movie.....there are so many things said in that movie that no one notices!




behind my hazel eyes there is....some form of deep meaning somewhere.....

"Angels"

I sit and wait does an angel contemplate my fate and do they know the places
Where we go when we're grey and old
'cos I've been told that salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed thoughts running through my head
And i feel that love is dead I'm loving angels instead

And through it all he offers me protection a lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong and down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me I know that life won't break me
When I come to call he won't forsake me I'm loving angels instead

When I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one way street I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love and as the feeling grows
He breathes flesh to my bones and when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead


Behind my hazel eyes ....I'm someone's mistake and biggest regret.....but who cares!!!!!